I call her my 'Squirrel'....I have watched her try....I have watched her give up....I have watched her fall....I have loved her....I have resented her for not fighting harder....We have laughed....We have dreamed....We have cried....
As I write this, I am sending strength to my sister while her daughter....my 'squirrel' is in hospital after an overdose....three times her little body went into cardiac arrest....
I am not writing this to cast blame on anyone, but rather a realisation that if we don't break generational cycles of abuse, and even laws, there will never be any change.
My sister did all she could to stop unsupervised visitations, but nobody took any notice....I guess they also never noticed the day Squirrel walked up the driveway after a visitation, only two-years old, her hair wet, her eyes dead....changed forever....
....I guess they never noticed every time he was granted access to fetch her from preschool, how her heart would race and she would run and hide....or while her father stood outside the car waiting to take her, she would 'switch off', look straight ahead and sing Celine Dion's song 'I am alive' - she knew every word.
....I guess it didn't bother them to look away when threats were made and people were silenced....
....I guess nobody cared when my sister found her five-year old son in the bathroom of the 'safe house' crying as he said, "Mom I have to go and protect my dad because he can't walk"
....I guess it didn't matter that this father would slam his two older sons heads against the stove until they bled....or tighten his grip around my sister's throat in front of the children....or hit her so hard that she's lost hearing in her one ear....or drown an innocent puppy because it was yapping....
....I guess it wasn't their problem when my 'Squirrel' held a knife to her throat refusing to go to school....or hid under the bed rather than facing the fear of attending therapy sessions....
The reality is that it doesn't end there....Yes, finally a Judge did listen and he ensured that this ex-husband and father is flagged from ever entering Australia or the UK....but the long-lasting effects of this abuse lives on.
At only seventeen, she got into NIDA (National Institute of Dramatic Arts)....Her anxiety was so severe she couldn't see it through. Ironically she played the the main role of the short film 'I'm here too' advocating teen suicide prevention, and it is her passion to act, but she doesn't know how to 'live' with the scars imprinted so deeply into her soul.
I wish she could see herself through my eyes....With all the struggles, emotions running high and limitless heartache, she has taught our family so much about love and life, but with regards to her healing....Is there realistically a way to move forward?
....It seems we keep going around in circles with Mental Health Teams....Unconditional love and tough love bring about the same results....Hiding medication and sharps makes no difference - she finds a way when she wants to die....Do we keep holding her so tightly, or do we just let go?
Who decides on Justice, and in who's favour does that go? Because as we are all aware, victims of abuse invariably end up in ongoing abusive situations, which then imprint scars upon their own children, and the cycle continues....
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