Finally on the 26th August 2020 I made peace with my past....
....I phoned my dad....I cried when I told him that as a little girl, I really loved him - he was my entire world, my everything....but then he dealt me the ultimate betrayal, and my entire world was changed forever.
I wanted nothing from him - not even an apology....I just wanted him to know how much he hurt me....and that now I was walking away....I never got the opportunity to speak to my cousin....He's back in prison for paedophilia....and the perpetrators of the Baptist Church....well....Karma knows where they live....
Throughout the traumatic years I always wondered where my mother was. I wondered why she never saved me: why she never protected me....
When I re-look at my childhood her presence somehow does not appear often. It's as if she were blotted out. I have wondered whether she was purposefully drugged, as this is what my cousin initially did to his victims and he was, after all, groomed by my dad.
My heart aches with overpowering intensity when I recall how an alcoholic husband and father wiped out his family with no thought of the aftermath of his actions.
I remember the pain of wishing so badly, with everything in me, that I would see him sitting in the audience at my ballet performances or school plays, or that he'd care enough to want to know how my day had been, or what I was passionate about, or what my fears were. I wonder how it would've felt to have a father's arms love me and protect me, for the right reasons, and how it would've felt to have that father / daughter wedding dance....well....to this day it remains only a wish....blown to pieces in the toxic embrace of alcoholic kisses.
The tears I cry now, however, are no longer filled with rage and resentment, but sadness and pity for a young boy coming into this world with so many gifts and a choice to make them flourish....
I'm terribly sorry Mama for what you've also had to endure....Sussie, thank you for being my mom as best you could when Mama couldn't - I love you....
As I lock this door and walk away with an indescribable inner peace moving me forward, the voice of Neil Diamond fades away with my childhood, and I smile through my tears as I close this chapter.
Today I have found my place in this world, and I will go forth fearlessly to help other children find their purpose.
Sending you all my Love and Light dad....and all the other perpetrators....I really hope you find your peace xxx
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