Darkness takes control holding me hostage to the demons within. I am shackled by chains of emotional storms - Wind and water of the mind colliding with deadly intent, pushing me further away from reality, until I succumb to the icy coldness separating me from an unsafe world.
I feel irrational, disoriented, alone. I do not belong. The demons stab my heart with their torment and mockery, further ingraining self-loathing, paranoia and madness.
I grab the blade! My means to sanity and survival. My mind goes into overdrive! My heart flat-lines.
All logic is dispelled into the atmosphere leaving only my worst nightmare - What dark piece of art will be left as scars today? How much blood will it take to soothe the high pitched cries that crescendo in an already distorted ME?...The aftermath will write its own chapter.
I slice the blade into my skin which has become only an object apart from me...I am disconnected as I watch the blood running down my legs - The colour vivid and calming. I float away from myself...Away from this body that betrayed me...Away from the evil and shame inside. For a while my tears are inconsolable. I feel sad for this little girl lost...But just as suddenly, my heart hardens...Hatred for her seeps in without compassion...Again my heart no longer beats...No longer sustains life...I die. I feel nothing, I am nothing. The threads of my mind have stopped unravelling...I become the stillness...I am the darkness.
The cutting has saved me many times. The pain is released out of me and drains away in the blood that I lose...Other times, I'm just making sure that I am actually still alive.
Nobody dreams of having a life - NO, an existence so distorted and contaminated. This is NO way to live...But it is a way to NOT die!
The last time I cut was in 2012. Facing every day without this destructive 'oxygen' was extremely difficult for me, as it had become my crutch to keep me breathing. At times my mind would be so tortured without this release, that I wished I was dead...But then I'd see the faces of my children - Their eyes reflecting their secret dreams, their smiles masking a multitude of pain.
I gave them life, but really they kept me alive.
Comments