When I experienced dissociation as an adult, I could feel it come on. I could almost count down to the exact moment when the 'switch' would occur. I never feared the darkness or the demons lurking within, but I DID fear what happened after the 'switch' was activated. I knew when it was going to happen because I'd get a hollowness inside, a triggering (like the smell of mowed lawn), and my stomach would drop and twist knowing what was coming. In my mind I started running aimlessly from one compartment of the mind to the next, trying to somehow fit together fractured pieces desperately hoping to escape depersonalization and derealisation, my heart beating out of my chest, thinking "Today will be different"...It wasn't .
There was no escape, and finally when there was no more fight left in me I'd surrender to demons bigger than me. The 'glass pane' would slide into place severing me from all existence and the world around me was no longer real...I wasn't real. My outer world was out of control and dangerous but my inner world was even more dangerous, so I'd start disappearing. I became so small that I became a dot in the shadows somewhere deep inside where nobody could find me...Not even me.
And then the 'switch' clicked into place betraying me. This is the part that I feared beyond all else. Instantly my words became slurred and all I could get out were stuttering inconsistencies, my vision became blurred (or sometimes I'd only see half a building or car, or whatever I was trying to focus on...The other half was just gone) and I could no longer even walk, and then the vomiting would begin. My sister, who by this time had become my carer, became my eyes, my ears...My safety. Her priority was to get me home before my body would begin to shut down and no matter what, she always protected what little dignity remained. Sometimes I remained 'gone' for weeks, and not recalling my actions caused further fracturing of my non-existent sense-of-self. When I came back, I feared navigating through another day with no inner map to guide me...
I think it is paramount to break generational chains of abuse that keep recycling within families, and are a huge catalyst for heart-breaking mental health disorders.
It is so necessary to undo learnt childhood belief systems which can cause self-imposed imprisonment paving yet another destructive path for the next generation...It is not easy, and it takes constant awareness and mindfulness of thoughts and actions, then acknowledging and validating that old way of thinking, living or existing, and then purposefully and intentionally working on healing and changing your perspective for a positive outcome...You have to become strong enough to rise above it all and maintaining that balance and peace inside no matter what, even when the world around you is crashing down.
VANISHING
I desperately searched her soul wanting to be saved...
Quietly I watched her
Nothing in her eyes
Quietly I asked her
Nothing in her words
Quietly I hated her
Nothing in her heart
Quietly I knew her
She WAS me
Quietly we vanished into the Darkness
Nothing to see
My heart and my mind collided with the 'nothingness'
Darkness smothered any remaining oxygen or light
Shutting me into lock down...Into isolation
I was too drained to care
Too exhausted to 'survive'
I no longer wanted to know about the pecking order
Of what demon was instigating my disappearance today
They couldn't hurt somebody who was dead
I became the darkness
Like this...
There was nothing left of me to salvage
No more fractured parts entangled and woven into mind games
No more will to survive
No more essence to protect
Just emptiness...
Just nothing...
Flatline
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