This post is dedicated to my late brother-in-law Andre, my sister Vanessa and their son Connor
The hospital corridor was excruciatingly silent, the overhead lights blindingly bright, the hands on the clock seeming to have adopted lethargy. No words were spoken between my sister and I, as we both silently played out our own version of the scene we were about to be faced with. The sound of hospital bed-wheels cut through our thoughts, rushing towards us, delivering reality at our feet. Neither of us were prepared.
My inhaled breath got stuck in my throat and I leaned against the wall as my legs buckled under me. My sister did not waiver, no matter what she was feeling - she stood strong and steadfast facing the image that had just crashed down upon us. Her husband looked so lost, almost buried in a multitude of tubes and pipes. She gently laid her trembling hand on his and whispered, "We will get through this."
On this day in April 1997, this beautiful couple were struck with a heart-wrenching tragedy that, in the end, could not be reversed. Their free-spirited baby boy, Connor, was only fourteen months old.
Andre loved his job as a construction foreman, and his sculpted calves showed it. There was a Friday night Company party on-site. Andre was already feeling exhausted but still decided to attend. Close on midnight he got in the work van to drive home. He was tired and he'd been drinking. Not long after midnight he fell asleep behind the wheel and the van veered straight off a cliff . The van catapulted through the air, the back-end became part of the front and Andre was flung through the windscreen. Seven metres from where the van had come to an abrupt halt embedded in trees, Andre lay in the dirt, his spine broken .
He instantly knew that he was paralysed. His first thought was Connor. The knowing that he would never again kick a ball with his son, crushed his heart which lay shattered alongside his spine. He desperately tried to hold his breath hoping that he could somehow end it there and then. More than seven hours later a jogger, who was also a doctor, found a man lying alone, drifting in and out of consciousness. Andre was immediately air-lifted to a Durban hospital. He spent about three months in Highcare and ICU, then again was air-lifted to Eugene Marais Spinal Unit in Johannesburg. The specialists confirmed that the spinal damage had left him Tetraplegic.
Many times while Vanessa and Connor attended the High Care visitations, Andre would stop breathing. Every time, my sister's heart would stop momentarily and die a little more, as specialists and nurses would come running to resuscitate him. As she waited outside the High Care unit for the verdict, she would watch Connor waddling down the hospital corridor with his towelling nappy enormously bulky, as she could not afford disposable diapers, and her heart further shattered knowing that this little boy had no idea of how their life had changed in an instant. As she anxiously waited, engulfed in her own pain, she questioned the Universe and received no logical answer.
Vanessa and Connor boarded a flight to Johannesburg where she undertook two weeks of intensive training to enable her to care for Andre. She learnt how to bounce him in his wheelchair to aid blood circulation, how to move him from the wheelchair to bed etc. Urinary catheterising, Colarplast catheterising and how to turn him in bed every four hours. As little as what Connor was, he helped in his own way, by clambering onto his dad's lap so that he could brush his teeth, or help feed him.
Vanessa continued to work full-time, took care of Connor and cared for Andre. Five months later Andre asked her to get on with her life and they got divorced. Andre went to the UK where the NHS provided better support than South Africa, and Vanessa came to Australia. Her and the kids flew to the UK in 2011 to visit Andre and to allow Connor all-important time with his dad as his health deteriorated.
22 September 2013 Andre was lying in High Care. He told the nurse to turn off the breathing apparatus so that he could hear his son's voice and tell him how much he loves him....then he took his last breath....he was only 40 years old.
As I write these words, hot tears burn my cheeks....for such an immense loss....for a little boy with an indescribable courageous, gentle soul who has always been so brave....for a wife and mother who fought tirelessly to hold a family together no matter how drained she'd become, who we've named our 'Queen of Hearts'....
Although Andre was taken too soon, we know that he is still with us. When we gaze up at the magnificent stars, all for our own reasons and comforts, we hear him say what he always use to say, "May the Force be with you!"
Vanessa will forever remain grateful to 'Ouma Bubbles' (Cheryl Tapp) owner of the daycare that Connor attended. Vanessa would run in, already late for work, with wet towelling nappies that she'd washed in the bath because she had no washing machine at the time. Ouma Bubbles unconditionally and lovingly supported her....well, she supported all of us during this crisis.
Also much appreciation goes to our Mom who always helped us remain as positive as possible, while she hid her own tears and nurtured her grandchildren.
Andre your loss left a huge emptiness for each one of us, but your Heart lives on in so many ways. Every time Connor smiles, your blue eyes intensified through his....there you are. In the vastness of the sky....there you are. In the gently breeze....there you are, and in the ebb and flow of rhythmic waves....there you are....forever in our hearts, and all around us.
We love you always always xxx
Comments