I HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE...
All I've heard my whole life is, "You are strong...You've got this!"...Truth is...I don't!
If this post offends anyone...Well, get over it...It is what it is! Or don't read it.
With my abuse...Dread would twist my insides, as I heard footsteps moving towards my bedroom...Kisses that lasted too long...Alcoholic breath that turned my stomach...Then...I would dig my fingernails into my skin until I bled...And scream into my pillow...In the morning the sun would shine... And life would go on...Trauma neatly compartmentalised so that I could function.
I'd be on high-alert at bath-time...Knowing that there was always a reason for him to come in...I learnt to hate my body...To despise ME...I was a good girl though...I didn't act out...I turned the rage and anger inward...To the point of dissociating so severely that I disappeared...Got rid of ME...I was so gone that I would sometimes dribble, trapped somewhere deep inside, to a place where I did not even exist...I was accused of being on drugs.
Who the hell, at the age of 6, takes the left-over dinner to dish into the dog's bowl outside...But instead of dishing it into the dog's bowl, she sits on her haunches in the dark stuffing the left-overs down her throat, dissociated, desperately trying to stuff down all the tumultuous out-of-control emotions she is feeling, that she is not allowed to express...Who the hell does that!...Well...ME!
I'd lie in the dark gazing out at the stars...And I'd wish with all my might...I'd wish for a whole new world...I didn't want the flowers, teddy bears and cards that were tainted apologies...I wanted a world where my feelings mattered...A world where I mattered...Where I didn't feel so alone...A world where I had somebody on my side...Fighting for me...Somebody who wasn't out to hurt me.
So, I figured that if I believed in something that could not be seen...It would hurt less...I had nothing left of ME to believe in...So, I thought that if I believed in something that can only be felt...Then surely that had to make everything okay...And I'm not talking about God or religion; They betrayed me too!...I'm talking about believing in a Higher Power...A Force like the gentle breeze...That is loving and grounding...Offers hope...I stupidly thought that believing in something like that...Would hurt less with every disappointment, and would somehow make more sense...I was wrong!...It hurts the same, and I feel just as alone and misunderstood as ever.
All the times I've had to defend myself...All the times I've had to put on a brave face even when I was dying inside...All the times I've cried myself to sleep...Been there for others, even when I had nothing more to give...Risen above challenges, only to be faced with further betrayal and injustice...Been told that my personality is too big and intimidating to handle...That I'm too fiery and outspoken...Like a bull in a china shop...All the times I've had to survive without a kind word from anybody...Well, all those times, I was breaking inside...But nobody took the time to notice...Too scared that somebody like me might actually get ahead, or succeed...But still, I fought...Alone...
I fought tirelessly to get through every psych admission...I fought fiercely to protect my right as a 'mother'...I fought without hesitation for my children...I fought to regain my health as best I could without assistance for medical care, I fought for justice...I even fought for a love beyond this lifetime...I see now, however, that it doesn't matter whether I was falling apart or positive, believing or not...None of it matters...Because in the end, whether I fought or not, it didn't make a difference at all!
Where DOES it all end?...Because, truthfully...I have nothing left to give...I have fought my whole life...I don't want to have to survive anything more...I really did give it my best shot...And I really did believe in justice, and miracles...Maybe it’s all just a mirage to keep you reaching for something that isn't there...
I seem to have got it all wrong! Honesty and vulnerability get you nowhere!...To get ahead in this world, you have to be underhanded, deceitful and corrupt...Australia taught me that!
That’s what Their Justice favours...And if you want to judge me...Go ahead!...But before you give your two cents worth walk my path, lose everything that matters; Especially your God-given right to be with your children, and having to cope with more unthinkable bullshit.
I have every right to feel the anger I feel! Australia you did me wrong!...And although I have nothing left to believe in...I know one thing for sure...I will NEVER be like you!...I WILL remain honest and fight for Justice with integrity...Watch me survive and thrive!
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